Wedding Etiquette Guide for the Modern Bride & Groom - Presented by New and Blue Enterprises, Inc.

Wedding Etiquette for the Modern Bride and Groom

by Deah Paulson

Who Pays For What?

Traditionally, the bride’s family covers most of the wedding expenses, while the groom’s family pays for smaller items, such as the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. More and more, however, there are as many types of weddings as there are couples. People are much more likely to shrug off the old rules when it feels more comfortable and makes more sense for them.

Now, people are much more likely to split up costs based on practical concerns. Here are some things to consider: Will the wedding be formal or informal? How many people will be attending? Can the couple afford to cover some of the expenses themselves? Whose family is more financially able to cover costs? You will most likely find that all of these questions and more will go into making decisions about covering wedding costs. Along with all of this wonderful flexibility comes increased complexity when navigating the wedding preparation waters. The key to success is clear, respectful communication between all involved.

While it is perfectly acceptable these days to let go of past traditions when it makes sense, here is a traditional breakdown of who covers what when it comes to the big day:

Bride’s Family	Groom’s Family
Invitations, save-the-date announcements, and wedding programs Food and drink Musicians Wedding planner (if used) Flower arrangements for the ceremony and reception Attire for bride and parents Groom’s ring Gifts for attendants, parents, and groom Travel and lodging for bride’s wedding party and close family Photography Wedding favors Items rented for the reception Bridesmaid’s luncheon	Clergyman/Officiant fee Rehearsal dinner Marriage license and other legal documents Honeymoon Bridal bouquet, bouquets for maid of honor and bridesmaids, corsages for mothers, boutonnieres for best man and groomsmen Attire for parents and groom Bride’s ring (usually chosen and paid for by the groom) Gifts for the attendants, parents, and bride Travel and lodging for groom’s wedding party and close family
Maid of Honor/Bridesmaids	Best Man/Groomsmen
Formal wear Bachelorette party	Formal wear Bachelor party

Responsibilities

Traditionally speaking, the bridal party includes the parents, attendants, a flower girl and a ring bearer. Custom dictates that the number of bridesmaids included in the bridal party depends on how big and formal the wedding is going to be. In a conventional wedding, the maid of honor position is usually filled by the bride or groom’s sister, and bridesmaids are chosen from relatives and possibly one or two close friends. An average wedding with 150 guests typically includes four to six bridal attendants and three ushers or groomsmen.

More and more, as people are making weddings a reflection of their own tastes and personalities, traditional rules tend to take the back burner. Instead of including an estranged sibling or distant cousin as an attendant, people are choosing best friends (regardless of gender), and may have only one or two attendants, if any.

Matching attire for the bridesmaids is also optional now. Many brides want their attending ladies to choose dresses that they like and will wear again, rather than poufy taffeta numbers that cost too much and will sit in closets after the big day.

While people have many different ideas about what their weddings will be like and who will play important roles in them, it is important to establish (for your and everyone else’s sanity) who is responsible for what. Here are some basic, traditional guidelines outlining the roles and responsibilities of your wedding party:

Maid of Honor	Best Man
Co-hosts a wedding shower with the bridesmaids. Helps with dress fittings for the bride and bridesmaids. Calls vendors and sets up appointments for the bride. Keeps bridesmaids in the loop about important information. Addresses invitations. Attends the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Helps the bride get dressed and ready on her big day, arranges her veil and train before and during the ceremony, and bustles the bride’s gown before the reception. Walks in the processional during the ceremony and stands next to the bride at the altar and in the receiving line. Holds the bridal bouquet and the groom’s ring during the ceremony. Signs the marriage certificate as a witness. Sits to the right of the bride during the reception, dances with the best man, and assists the bride whenever necessary. After the wedding, she helps the best man bring gifts to the bride and groom’s home and takes the wedding dress to the dry cleaners.	Hosts and organizes the bachelor party, making sure that it is not scheduled for the night before the rehearsal dinner or ceremony. Helps the groom choose his wedding clothes. Makes sure the other attendants get fitted. Sets up appointments for the groom and ushers. Organizes transportation to and from the ceremony and reception for the couple and bridal party. Confirms honeymoon travel arrangements. Helps the groom dress before the ceremony. Sits at the head table with the bride and groom at the reception and makes the first toast. Distributes tips to the vendors on behalf of the reception hosts. Deals with drunk and disorderly people at the reception. After the wedding, he helps the maid of honor bring gifts to the bride and groom’s home and takes the groom’s and ushers’ clothing to the dry cleaners.
Bride’s Parents	Groom’s Parents
Mother Spreads the word about the gift registry to friends and family members. Helps the bride shop for a wedding gown. Stands in the receiving line after the ceremony. Father Escorts the bride down the aisle. Stands in the receiving line. Dances with his daughter after her first dance with the groom. Both Assist in creating the guest list. Toast the couple at the rehearsal dinner.	Both Host the rehearsal dinner. Possibly pay for alcohol and bar service at the reception. Stand in the receiving line after the ceremony.

The Wedding Invitation

Before you begin to design your invitation, you will need to think about how formal you want your wedding to be. The general rule of thumb is: the more formal the wedding, the more formal the invitation.

If you decide on a formal ceremony, you will need to an invitation that is engraved with black, brown, or gray ink, printed on heavy white or cream stock. Information about the reception should be printed on a separate card, matching the invitation. Both of these are placed, with any enclosures, in an inner unsealed envelope, which is then inserted into an outer envelope. Both envelopes should be hand-addressed. When sending formal invitations, information sheets about hotels and directions should be mailed separately.

Invitations for more informal ceremonies leave added room for artistic expression, photos, and other personal touches. In general, the style, paper color, artwork, and font selection reflect the personality of the couple and the event. Any additional information about hotels and directions should be in a matching color and font, and should be mailed along with the invitation.

Invitations are generally mailed 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding date. Make sure to order your invitations in plenty of time to avoid last minute stress.

Aside from the task of choosing the style and theme of your invitations, there are some invitation dos and don’ts to keep in mind:

Do	Don’t
Mail formal paper invitations. Allow friends and family to spread the word about your gift registry. Send separate invitations to adult family members living under the same roof.	Send e-mail invitations, unless your wedding is extremely informal or you have no other way to get the word out in time. Include gift registry information with your invitations. Lump all household addressees under one name, for instance, “Mr. Williams and family.”

The Save-the-date Announcement

Before sending a save-the-date announcement, make sure you’ve finalized your guest list, since everyone who receives a save-the-date card or magnet should also receive an invitation. Save-the-date announcements can be mailed up to one year, or more, prior to your wedding, and should state that an invitation will follow.

Keep the wording simple, including your names, the wedding date and the location. You may choose a save-the-date that matches your invitations, but it isn’t necessary. Many couples use their save-the-date announcement as a chance branch out and add a more personal or humorous touch to their pending nuptials. It has become very popular to choose save-the-date cards that include photos and magnets to provide lasting keepsakes for guests.

How to Write a Thank You Note

A personal, handwritten thank you note is the only appropriate way to thank a guest for a wedding gift. Even a short note, if personalized and specific to the giver, will let that individual know that their gift was truly acknowledged and appreciated.
Following is a checklist of thank you card dos and don’ts:

Don’t

Send thank you notes to friends and relatives who arranged showers and parties for you. It is okay to thank an individual for a party or shower in the same note thanking them for their gift.
Send separate thank you notes for shower, party, and wedding gifts, even if they are given by the same person.
Send thank you notes for shower gifts within ten days of the shower and wedding gifts within two weeks after returning from your honeymoon.

Send a preprinted thank you note. It communicates to the giver that their gift wasn’t acknowledged or truly valued. Handwritten notes express genuine appreciation.
Use an ink color that will be difficult to read.
Use the pronouns “I” or “me” too much. Remember, the note is about that person and their gift.

Pre Wedding Festivities

Pre-wedding parties are a good way to gear up for the big event and allow for the bride and groom’s friends and family to meet and get to know each other. Below is a handy reference for all of your pre-wedding festivities:

Engagement Party	To announce the engagement and allow the bride and groom’s families to meet. Hosted by the bride’s parents shortly after the couple gets engaged and before a formal announcement is sent.
Bridal Shower	To honor bride-to-be and “shower” her with gifts. Hosted by the maid of honor, bridesmaids, and sometimes friends. Takes place at least one month (but no more than six months) before the wedding.
Bridesmaids’ Luncheon	To thank the bridesmaids for all of their help with the wedding. Hosted by the bride one to two weeks before the wedding day.
Bachelorette Party	A night out on the town with the girls to celebrate the bride’s last night of singlehood. Hosted by the maid of honor and bridesmaids. Takes place the same night as the bachelor party. Should never be scheduled for the night before the rehearsal dinner or wedding.
Rehearsal Dinner	Allows the wedding party and families to get acquainted. Hosted by the groom’s parents. Takes place the night before wedding, after the ceremony rehearsal. Usually ends before midnight.

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